Remembering

This may be depressing for some of you - this is your warning. Sometimes things in life just suck and getting it out on paper or via blogs is helpful.

I am following a blog of a friend of a good friend of mine (did ya get that?). She recently lost her newborn baby shortly after birth after trying for 10 years and undergoing IVF. I am so drawn to her, I suppose it's the "misery loves company" thing plus the sympathic part of me. Since following her blog, I catch myself thinking of her all the time. It has only been 7 weeks for her, yet it has been 8 years for me. Eight years? How is that possible. She often writes that it just feels like yesterday. Yep...I cannot bring myself to tell her it will ALWAYS feel like yesterday. She will find that out on her own. I don't burst into tears at the thought of W & K anymore, but I do still have tearful moments.(Like while watching a recent episode of Desperate Housewives) For those who don't know me, we lost twins at 22 weeks of pregnancy back in 2001 (2 weeks after 9/11). And for this gal, I cannot imagine carrying a baby/babies to term and having to come home to an empty nursery. That shouldn't happen. It's one thing to lose babies mid-pregnancy. I had no nursery...though I had dreams of one. I had no baby clothes, none of that. I went into the hospital at 18 weeks, knowing there was a good chance I would leave empty-armed. I was grateful to come home to my house, with no signs of babies. It was my safe haven among a world FULL of pregnant women and babies. As she is experiencing now, it seems everyone suddenly is pregnant or carrying a new baby, as if you've landed on some other planet...were all those women & babies there before? Where did they come from??

partly I think I should stop following her blog as it brings up all those feelings...I don't understand how after 8 years it can still seem like yesterday. But it does sometimes. I replay the events of that day over and over. Why do we do that? Maybe that's the only time they were here, so I have to cling to that. For the 3 years we lived in that area, I felt....something...when I'd drive by the hospital. That was the only place they ever LIVED.

As she says, she has now entered a new club...the club of mommies without their babies. That is a club no one wants to be a part of, but once you are there, you are torn between not wanting to be alone and knowing that a new member means another woman has suffered the unimaginable. My heart will never forget that intense grief. You can't. It honestly feels as though your heart is dying. You physically can't breath.

I cannot believe most days how I've been blessed since that dark period...two kids, a boy and a girl...I have been given the perfect family. And I am so grateful for that. If you will, pray for this other girl. She will begin infertility treatments again soon. I hope her empty arms will soon be filled with a new baby. And in the meantime, I pray for peace...that kind that comes from God alone, that is beyond understanding. The kind that was in our delivery room that morning, as He came to take our babies home. We were ok, even though we weren't. Weird.

I wonder what W & K would be like now? I'm sure she'd be the boss...she always was. She was the womb-hog...he was always smooshed up in the top. He'd patiently wait for her to settle, then he'd re-siutate himself. I loved feeling the two of them working themselves out. I think he'd have been a momma's boy. Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking. I think of them often..and still, sometimes, I know I hear them laugh. I think God gives me those split second moments to know that they are ok and they are happy playing at the feet of their Lord.

Thanks for letting me get serious for a minute and reflect on things. Pray for Lori. I remember the dark days. My heart breaks for her.